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Conversations with Kitten a Go-Go
So, I guess my stepson will be at BlogHer next year.
- Me: Did you see that I got a new phone? [Disclosure: I received an HTC Thunderbolt from HTC at BlogHer at no cost to me.]
- Stepson: No, that's cool. How much was it?
- Me: They gave it to me. For free.
- Stepson: At your convention?
- Me: Yes.
- Stepson: So, if you go back to this convention, will they give you another free phone?
- Me: I don't know. Maybe. If they are there.
- Stepson: I need to get this convention next year.
- Me: Okay, I'll be quick.
- Brian: They are everywhere. [Looks lost in a sea of bras.]
- [Try stuff on. Figure out new size. Pay egregious sum. Leave Intimate Apparel section of Macy*s.]
- Me: This is dumb. I just spent close to $200 on bras.
- Brian: It's your fault. You're the one that lost weight.
- Me: I get that. But let's be honest, I would have worn the bras that were way too big if they weren't all trying to impale my side with underwire.
- Brian: I don't pity you. You caused this problem. You lost weight. You lost boob. Your fault.
- Brian: Are you working out?
- Me: Yes.
- Brian: Are you wearing your new workout clothes?
- Me: Yes. Working on the database and looking at all of the fitness blogs made me feel like I should work out today.
- Me: [time passes. grocery shopping. return home.]
- Brian: Thanks for inspiring me to work out.
- Me: Don't thank me. Thank the damn fitness bloggers. They did this. I'm not going to be their chubby mascot.
- Stepson: Dad, I got my SpongeBob game to work.
- Brian: How? [SpongeBob game has not worked in 3 years or more.]
- Stepson: I used the soap in the kitchen. That soap is amazing. It worked perfectly. It fixed my game.
- Brian: Stop it. You're just going to embolden her.
- Stepson: I used that soap and now my game is perfect. That soap is amazing.
- Brian: Now you can be so smug because your Dr. Brown's is "amazing."
- Me: Who?
- Brian: Dr. Brown?
- Me: No. Dr. Bronner.
- Brian: Whatever. Dr. Brown has a soda.
- Me: I think you mean Pepper.
- Brian: Shut up. Dr. Brown does too. It's like strawberry or something. [I googled it. They have celery, but no strawberry.]
- Stepson: Guys, seriously, that soap is awesome. It's really special soap.
- Me: [I like this woman. She isn't talking to me. I wonder if they really put it in my massage gym file that I hate when they talk to me.]
- Me: [SHIT! Did she just lobster pinch my ass? YES SHE DID. Because she did it again. That's just going to make my tender ass muscles hurt more.]
- Me: [Why is she scratching my head? I scratch my head during my little OCD moments. What in the hell is she scratching my head for? Is she thinking about what to do next? Writer's block?]
- Me: [I love her. She isn't talking and she is touching my feet with hot rocks. Love love love.]
- Me: [Why are do the stones have to stay in between my toes? Is there some sort of benefit to this?]
- Me: [I think the name of this song is spaceship landing at babbling brook: a synthesizer symphony.]
- Me: [More head scratching? What is she doing???]
- Me: [I didn't think I had to tell one more person this. She is touching my face. They aren't supposed to touch my face. I HATE when my face is touched with whatever oil is in that holster. Gross. Dermalogica better be able to save me from this.]
- Me: [STOP SCRATCHING MY HEAD.]
- Me: [placing scrapbooking stickers all over a box]
- Stepdaughter: What are you doing?
- Me: I'm preparing a box to set on fire tomorrow.
- Stepdaughter: What?
- Me: See this credit card? I used to owe them a lot of money. Now I don't owe them any money. I killed them. So I have to hold a funeral. I'm going to put the credit card in this box and set it on fire.
- Stepdaughter: [laughter]
- Me: I'm not kidding. See, the box says all over it, "Discover is killed. Dead So Dead. DEAD." Do you want to play with the stickers?
- Stepdaughter: Sure. Can I watch when you set it on fire?
- Me: Of course.
- Stepdaughter: Stepson needs to see this. Come here, stepson.
- Stepson: What are you doing?
- Me: I am decorating this box so that I can set it on fire.
- Stepson: Cool. Can I watch when you do it?
- Me: Yes. I have to wait until tomorrow because I forgot to buy flowers today.
- Brian: I don't think the vikings used flowers.
- Me: [I don't think the vikings used credit cards.] [blank stare.]
- Brian: You know, you are completely responsible for any property damage that happens as a result of this this. Where do you intend light this on fire?
- Me: In the bathtub. It's a VIKING FUNERAL.
- Brian: Is it going to set off the smoke alarm?
- Me: I don't know.
- Brian: Will that stop you?
- Me: No.
- Me: Do you recognize the number 531-8000? I just missed a call. Is that Massage Envy?
- Brian: No, I think they come up as restricted number now.
- Me: They better not be trying to pull that bullshit again where I am late. I know this massage is scheduled for 1:00.
- Me: [gets into car and looks at phone]
- Me: Hello??
- Lady: Danielle?
- Me: Yeah...
- Lady: This is X from [your jeweler]. Your ring is ready to be picked up.
- Me: Okay. Thanks. [Looks down after hanging up. Phone call was not missed. She heard the entire thing.]
- Me: You aren't going to believe this.
- Brian: What?
- Me: That was [my jeweler] on the phone. I know that because she was still on the phone and I had to talk to her.
- Brian: I want to crawl under a rock for you.
- Me: I am such an ass.
- Aesthetician: Well, your skin looks great. A little clogged, but we can take care of that. Very few wrinkles.
- Me: [Few? I thought there were two. SHIT.]
- Aesthetician: How old are you?
- Me: Almost 35.
- Aesthetician: Huh. Okay.
- [time passes]
- Aesthetician: You really don't look 35. I was thinking 29 or 30.
- Me: Thanks. [One of those potions is working.]
- Me: Do you think that G- K - Qadhafi is the Honey Badger dictator?
- Brian: What do you mean?
- Me: You know, he just doesn't give a shit.
- Brian: No, I think he gives a shit.
- Me: Then who would be the Honey Badger dictator? Ahmadinejad?
- Brian: No. Kim Jong-il.
- Me: Oh yeah. He definitely doesn't care.
